Adventurasia Community

(Written by: Jerry Hong, between 2001~2003)

GENERAL RULES
-When yelled at, yell back
-When honked at, honk back
-Honk as often as possible even if the road is clear
-If there are two lanes, drive down the middle
-Ignore all stop signs, lights or lines painted on the road, unless there are police around or your life is in imminent danger
-Drive as close as possible to the car in front
-Assume right of way at all times
-Never pay attention to other vehicles
-Pretend that you are the “rightful” owner of the road
-Create a little extra ambiance by putting a hole in your exhaust

STOPPING PROCEDURES
-Always brake without warning
-Practice noisy rubber burning stops for future use
-Stop in the middles of the road. Don’t ever worry about pulling over
-Remember: The person who hits you from behind is always wrong

PARKING PROCEDURES
-Always take up two parking spaces when you park
-If possible park in front of a fire hydrant or driveway
-Double park or triple park at your leisure
-Put a special parking privilege card on your windshield in case the tow truck comes along
-If someone sees you damage a car while parking, get out and put a note on the windshield with a fake name and number on it
-Open your car door fast without looking back

TURNING PROCEDURES
-Always turn left from the right hand lane
-always turn right from the left hand lane
-U-turns may be performed anywhere at anytime
-Forget the 3-point turn. Here they rely on the 15-point turn.

STANDARD EQUIPMENT
-Sun visor: For blocking view of traffic lights
-Rear view mirror: Good for hanging plastic Buddhas and other artifacts
-Mega horn: Must be able to rattle off horn sounds like a machine gun
-Plastic seat covers: To be left on from date of purchase

ON THE FREEWAY
-Drive as fast as circumstamces allow
-Overtake on both sides and even use the shoulder if you like
-Brake hard at irregular intervals. This helps to keep other drivers from falling asleep
-Slow the other cars down by driving next to the slowest car on the road
-If someone tries to pass you, always speed up
-Never yield to let other cars come on the highway
-If there are few cars on the road, drive at 30 mph in the fast lane
-Always exit from the left hand lane
-Wait until reaching the toll booth before looking for your small change
-If there is an accident ahead, try to overtake on the shoulder thus blocking off access to emergency vehicles

IF YOU HAVE AN ACCIDENT
-Yell a lot, especially if the accident was your fault
-Don’t bother with witnesses as most people will deny they saw anything
-If you see the other person making a call, get out of there fast. He’s probably not calling the police and in a few minutes a group of gangsters will turn up to help
-If he does call the police on his mobile phone you can claim he was on the phone at the time of the accident and therefore wasn’t concentrating on driving
-If you hit a BMW with four guys who are wearing polyster pants, white shoes and have Afro perms.. RUN
-Don’t let on you can speak Chinese until the police arrive
-If the accident was clearly your fault, smile a lot
-When the police arrive, deny every thing and pretent you are just a silly foreigner. It usually has the desired effect as that is what they probably think you are anyway

IF YOU SPOT AN ACCIDENT
-Slow down or stop immediately, especially if the accident is on the other side of the road and doesn’t effect you in any way
-Point and stare at the accident victims
-If you have a camera handy, take picture or make a video
-Never offer assistance
-If asked, deny you saw anything. Thus avoiding years of harassment from the families of the victims

This is written by Jerry who had been living in Kaoshiung, Taiwan.

Filed under: Taiwan